future former fatties
Jun 07, 2018 at 12:00 AM

Are You Ready for Bikini Season?

By Linda Misleh Wagner, Future Former Fatty
Are You Ready for Bikini Season?

I got up this morning to a bright gorgeous day in San Diego. Groundhog’s Day and Valentine’s Day have come and gone. So has Easter, which means, we women begin to panic. Bikini season will be upon us before we know it.

How many times have I heard women groan at the thought of buying a bikini? We hate trying to find 2x2 inches of material to cover our breasts and 4x2 inches of material to cover our fronts and our backsides, all held on by a string. Are we begging for a wardrobe malfunction?

We will go into department stores and swimsuit boutiques looking for the right bikini to show off our nearly naked bodies. We will flip through the swimsuits picking out three or four, hoping the bit of body these suits cover, will be enough to make the rest of our nakedness stand out in a very sexy way.

We will turn and pose before a three-way mirror. We will check out our ass, check the cellulite on the back of our thighs. We will make sure our boobs are supported and not sagging. Then, we collapse onto the bench in the dressing room completely deflated. Why? Because the mirror we are checking ourselves in is keeping us in check.

That’s right. The mirror is keeping us from going into denial. That mirror is staring right back at us letting us know loud and clear that the body we want so badly to strut on the beach is too out of shape to wear a bikini.

The way I figure it, we have two choices. We can hit the gym, go on a drastic diet, and work until our body is bikini ready, or, we can do what most of us do. We tell ourselves we will never wear a bathing suit in public, especially a bikini.

I’m always amazed that so many beautiful-bodied women that I know, think their bodies aren’t good enough to wear any type of bathing suit. I look at them and think they have fantastic bodies. Why wouldn’t they wear a bikini – or at least a swim suit?

It just proves that no matter our size, when it comes to getting practically naked in front of other humans, most of us don’t think we have a body to be proud of, and will avoid at all costs wearing a swimsuit in public. And most of us,whose bodies are what others might aspire to be like, tend to criticize our bodies. We are never truly happy in our own skin.

Personally, I hate when women blurt out that they are too fat when the rest of us would kill to have their body. It just makes me feel that you are fishing for someone to say, “No you’re not. I think you’re crazy if you don’t think you look hot”. Oh, yuck. Give me a break.

Anyway, I’m not here to hate. I’m just expressing annoyance. Frankly, I will never have to worry about wearing a bikini in public, and that is because I never would wear a bikini in public. You wouldn’t be able to see it. My stomach rolls already covers my va-jay-jay. You wouldn’t be able to tell if I was wearing bottoms or not, unless I turned around. And with my big chest, there just isn’t enough fabric or underwire to hold these ta-tas up.

If I aim to wear a bikini ever in my lifetime, well, let’s just say, it would be when I come back to earth reincarnated as a slender woman. Bikinis aren’t meant for me.

For those of you who can wear a bikini proudly, all I can say is “You go, sister! Give the rest of us a reason to be pissed off at you.” Just kidding. More power to you.

Until we meet again, this is Linda Misleh Wagner, Future Former Fatty.

Posted in Diaries.